The Day Biden's Balls Showed Up
Nothing Like Emerging From The Fog of Chemical Hell
Nobody really knows what went on in the American White House while Biden was President. The people who do know will never talk because their pathological brain locks are fused and the behavioral templates they’ve been conditioned with prohibit this. So we’re left to speculate as to how, and by whom, Biden had been conscripted into the biggest political scandal of all time. But small details are circulating.
And I have a theory. To recount the end of it all, I propose it may have happened this way:
Bzzz. Bzzz.
Biden slowly looked out from underneath the covers of his bed and eyed the telephone.
Bzzz. Bzzz.
Biden sat straight up. “What the fuck.” He reached for the phone but found his hand covered in a Super Hero hand puppet, Fister-Man, I think. He yanked the glove off and tossed it aside, and then picked up the phone. “Yes?”
“Joee-Wowee. It’s munchie munchie time.” The voice spoke in baby-talk was melodious, almost like ASMR, and for a moment he drifted away. But he snapped back.
“What? Who is this?” Biden adjusted himself in bed, quickly realizing his Moon landing onesie was twisted around his body.
The voice on the other end cleared up quickly. “Ah, Mr. President. We didn’t expect to get you this early. Good morning, sir.”
“Good morning? What time is it?” He looked over to the window and noticed the sunlight was streaming in.
“It’s Eleven in the morning sir. It’s near your breakfast time. What would you prefer today? We have your special breakfast of oatmeal mixed with chocolate chips and peanut butter, or we can really go all out and grill you up some tunafish and strawberries with either curly fries or pancakes.” The voice was calm, almost soothing.
“Bring me a pot of coffee, some cantaloupe, and some danish. Where’s the First Lady?” Biden’s voice was gruff but was clearing up. “I have a busy day.”
“Well, sir, she’s in the cabinet meeting, as usual. It’s Cabinet Thursday. She leads that meeting for you.”
Biden stared at the wall. “My wife. The First Lady? Is leading a cabinet meeting? Since when? Who set this up?”
“You did, sir, I think back in 2021. That’s the way it’s been ever since. I think they’re still meeting in there. The Vice President is giving a speech on children’s literacy issues tonight and they’re walking through it for her using cue cards.”
Biden stared at the wall. It dawned on him that things were not in their usual format. Something was seriously wrong. “Okay, send in my valet, please, and hurry up with that food, chop chop.” He hung up the phone.
Biden walked over to the hallway door, opened it slowly, and looked out. Down the hall was a huge black Secret Service agent, the size of a house, posted up near the family alcove.
“Psst.” Biden tried to get the agent’s attention. The agent saw him and looked at him but didn’t move.
“You, what’s-your-name, get over here. I need some back-up.” Biden motioned, and the agent came over, with Biden ushering him into his room.
“Sir?”
“Just what the fuck is going on here?” He looked at his moon landing pajamas and rabbit slippers. “This is nuts. What day is it? How many days out until the election?”
“Ah, well, sir, the election’s passed. The Vice President replaced you and she lost. Trump is coming in in less than six weeks.”
Biden was stunned for a moment, and then broke out laughing. “What? You’re joking. That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard. Come on, what’s really going on? Harris is dumber than a feral raccoon in heat eating pork loins.”
“Well, sir, that’s hard to say. What do you remember?” The agent was sizing Biden up as if he’d had some kind of psychological breakdown. “Are you feeling okay, sir?”
Biden bristled. “Okay. Okay? How the fuck do you think you’d feel if you woke up from a stupor and found yourself wearing these stupid pajamas and some stalker is calling you on the phone telling you its time for cereal? This is like an episode of The Prisoner. Jesus, where’s the giant fucking white bubble? And what’s your name, Agent?”
“Cyrus Little, sir. I’m posted here on the family floor. At your service.” The man held out his hand, but instead of a handshake, Biden slapped it like a soul brother.
“Right on, Brother.” Biden thought for a moment. “Back to what you said, the Vice President replaced me? How the fuck did that happen? I didn’t just quit, did I?” Biden was looking around for some clothes.
“Ah, well, Mr. President, some of the other Party Democrats came over here and talked you into dropping out. They said you were going to lose and they couldn’t afford it. So, they sort of, well, threatened you with extortion.” Little adjusted his earbud.
Biden was stunned. “And where was my wife in all this? She’s supposed to keep me out of trouble.”
The agent nodded. “I think, sir, she was shopping in New York, but she came back when the war in Ukraine flared up, and the war in Gaza exploded.”
Biden was dumbfounded. “The war in Ukraine? That clusterfuck is still going on? And Gaza? Holy, shit, things are out of control.” Biden looked around. “Help me find some clothes, we’re going to TCB. That’s Take Care of Business. Fuck everybody.”
Next Episode: The Cabinet Meeting